Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
