Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
