you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
