i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
