So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize