My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
the liver wants what the liver wants
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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