forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
