i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
