DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm getting married
To pizza
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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