We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
