So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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