Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize