Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
