i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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