Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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