I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
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