I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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