Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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