when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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