I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
