You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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