Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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