Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
