Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
