I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
