I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
