To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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