I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
