I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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