my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
