I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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