I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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