It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
