I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
