I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
