thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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