My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
