I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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