My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
