drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
