Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
