Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize