so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
