I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
