Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
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