my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My bed smells like the plague
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
