Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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