im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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