this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
