Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize