The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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