Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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