the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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