i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
