shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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