he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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