yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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