P.S. I can't hear my feet
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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